Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Welcome to our office!!

**I know this has been translated before, but I need to get this out of my system. Here's my take on it**

Because the Physicians at Aspen Women's Center feel threatened and offended by any woman deciding to educate herself and do what she feels is best for her family we have put up this sign to make you feel like shit. Silly notions such as informed consent, informed refusal, birth plans, empowered patients, doulas and birth "experiences" only serve to make our lives more difficult. We're here to deliver your healthy baby without you suing us. We have found the easiest and most efficient(read: $$$) way to do it is for you to come in for your induction, get in that bed (screw that use of gravity and moving around shit. It's dangerous.), get your epidural early(you're much easier to monitor numb in bed. And for goodness sake those moaning sounds you make during contractions sound sexual. It makes us uncomfortable and we all know birth has nothing to do with sex.), and let us tell you either 1. when and how to push 2.when it's time for your episiotomy and/or vacuum extraction or 3. when it's time for your c-section. If you must take some sort of childbirth "preparation" class, we prefer that you take the Aspen Women's Center course titled "The Machine that Goes Ping!: How to be a good and cooperative patient". Bradley Method is a definite no-no. We can't handle having both an educated woman and an educated partner. Ditto on the doula's. If you want a doula, go give birth in a hut with incense burning and midwives chanting. It's our way or the highway, bitches. Oh, and have a nice day.